Love Hurts–Literally.

“Why don’t you just leave? “

“What’s wrong with me? Am I crazy? Why can’t I stay away?”

If you’ve ever been in an abusive relationship, you’ve probably heard this—and maybe even asked yourself the same thing. I did. I thought I was smart, strong, independent. And yet, I stayed and went back. Over and over.

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This post is for anyone who has ever felt stuck in love that hurts. I’m going to share my story, explain the science of trauma bonding, and help you understand why it’s not stupidity or weakness that keeps us in these cycles—it’s chemistry and complexity. And there is a way out. This post is both personal and educational, and I hope it helps someone.

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My Story

At 16 I found myself abusing drugs and in a violent relationship. I was formerly a straight A student “a smart girl”, from “a nice home” with an independent strong mother as a role model. Yet, I kept going back to this guy.  The truth of the matter was that I was an addict, but later I learned, I wasn’t just addicted to drugs, I was also addicted to him, I was addicted to the cycle of love and abuse.

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The Love Drug: Why it’s so Addicting and Why It’s so Hard to Leave

How abuse Hijacks our Brains

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The Romance Stage

When we are around someone that we are infatuated with and/or in love with its common for people to say, “they are intoxicating”. This is also known as the “romance stage”.  This neurochemical signature, creates euphoria, trust and our beginnings of attachment through a combination of dopamine and oxytocin. At the beginning that neurochemical combination is powerful. Our brain loves novelty. When something Is new it’s exciting because we get a more potent surge of those love drugs. Over time in relationships that are reliable and consistent (where we know what to expect) the rush or “hit” that we get o the same person biochemically diminishes.

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The Cycle of Abuse

In each phase of the cycle of abuse we have variant bio-chemical reactions contributing to feeling of addiction and struggle to walk away from the abusive dynamic. Hopefully as we break down the Cycle of Abuse then you’ll realize that the reason you can’t leave is not stupidity- its chemistry. Here is the diagram of the cycle https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/cycle-of-abuse

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Tension building phase

In the tension building phase stress develops and conflict is avoided, often with attempts to comply with the abuser. This is what people often refer to as “walking on egg shells” the feeling of tip-toeing around to prevent the abusive incident.

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The Abuse/Explosion

In the abusive incident the abuser will explode in the form of verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse.

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Honeymoon phase

In the honeymoon phase the abuser will often demonstrate some remorse and even make a commitment to never do it again. Often there will be displays of affection and apology like gifts or grand gestures.

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Calm Phase

The calm period may occur after the honeymoon and the abuser may continue with positive gesture. This may also be the phase in which people start to describe feeling like they are being offered “breadcrumbs” to make up for the abuse, but the positive gestures diminish in sincerity over time and are somewhat unpredictable in nature, unsustainable, and inconsistent before tension begins to build again.

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The Chemistry of Abuse and Bonding:

Oxytocin

In this chart linked above you can see how there are intervals of calm, violence and repair. The intervals of calm and honeymoon produce significantly more bonding hormones than they would in a stable relationship as there is novelty and intermittent bonding after withdrawal. This creates an oxytocin driven attachment.  Oxytocin is our bonding chemical, it’s our most powerful love drug. Women get their strongest dose after birth in the moment they breast feed, men get a powerful dose after intercourse, and we can also get it from hugging our friends. It’s a natural pain killer and bonding hormone at the center of our experience of love.

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Dopamine

Additionally, dopamine is our reward chemical, it’s our motivator, it’s what makes us want to keep doing things, both healthy things, and even when they are bad for us (i.e. binge watching, eating junk food, and doom scrolling). It is also one of the major culprits and contributors in our returns to our abuser. The variability and unpredictability of things allows for a more powerful dopamine release when we get the reward of oxytocin and feeling of bonding and attachment that is so alluring and confusing in the “honeymoon phase”.

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Cortisol

This one of our key stress hormones, responsible for sounding the alarm when we are not safe. Imagine if that alarm was going off all the time. People in abusive relationships experience chronic stress due to the feeling of being “on egg shells”. This disrupts our brains natural alarm system and makes it difficult to gauge our sense of safety which therefore impairs our rational decision making.

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Intermittent Reward:

When we have a cycle of abuse its sometimes unpredictable when the explosion and reward will happen, its variable, meaning it creates an intermittent reward system. The reward creates a sort of brain dependency or addiction to the calm period and honeymoon phase after the abuse, much like drugs, we need the dopamine and oxytocin to feel secure and connected again. Due to the intermittent nature of the reward, we get a more powerful dose of those chemicals, because it creates novelty for the brain.

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The Trauma Bond:

Finally, because of that “roller coaster ride” of neurochemicals and the intermittent reward system, the brains circuitry literally becomes high jacked, and the abusive relationship triggers the same reward and attachment circuit as healthy love. To better understand the trauma bond, we must also understand the term cognitive dissonance. This can best be defined by a state of mental discomfort that occurs when we hold beliefs that are inconsistent or conflict with our behavior. The impaired rational brain due to over production of cortisol, now creates a cognitive dissonance where we on some level know this relationship we are in is dysfunctional, yet we rationalize the abuse and seek the reward again. This is also known as the trauma bond. Unfortunately, you can see our biochemistry is not on our side when it comes to abusive relationships.

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Why it’s not just chemistry:

If the chemistry was not enough, I want you to consider other factors as well. When I was in that abusive relationship my friends quickly became upset with me for returning to him. My mother didn’t want either of us anywhere near the home. Before I knew it, I had lost my support system, and I was on my own and living in my car. The McDonalds dollar menu and gym showers quickly became a necessity. I lost weight, was pale as a ghost, and was often sick and catching colds.  What’s worse I was dependent on him for everything, food, money, a place to sleep (that wasn’t my car). I depended on him for my basic survival, but he was also the very person who had me in a constant state of fear that I would not survive.  It would be wrong for me not to acknowledge factors other than biochemistry, the importance of social support, finances, children, and age/development and other physiological factors like medical conditions that contribute to dependency. This is why it’s not  that easy to leave. That being said, my conclusion remains the same. Recovery is possible.

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Conclusion: You’re Not Alone and You can Heal

Just because our brain is hijacked and we feel hopeless, does not mean we are without hope. It’s hard and it may be hard for a while, much like a detox from drugs, our brain needs time reset and recalibrate to the chemical dependence to the abusive cycle.  Be kind, be gentle, and love on yourself as much as you know how, and just know that you are not dumb, there is nothing wrong with you, it is not your fault, and yes, you can heal, you can get free of this terrible cycle. When we are hurting we need more love not less.  Your brain has just been highjacked and you need some time in a place where you can feel safe, supported, calm and secure to get your brains reward system rewired.  If you want help or know someone who could use support, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I also have resources for shelters and free mental health services locally and nationally for domestic violence survivors.